Idependence such an individual world to its self. Something people long for to feel able to do and accomplish things by then selves with out the help and support from others. I’ve been so occupied in my own little world blocking people out and pushing them away and avoiding situations where I need help and support. I’m so protective of what I have left of my independence that I won’t allow others in. Say for the situation now I’m laying in my bedroom covered head to toe in white paint, why have I stopped painting because I realised something I thought I should write about. So here I am writing about my emotions and more importantly what I’m feeling in the current momment. I feel alone I’m hurting, I know why but I can’t put it into words just yet. Back to independence, independence is just another factor of alone. It’s good and bad depending on just how much you seek. To be independent you have to be alone to do it. I’ve chosen a path of protecting my independence yet I’ve jeopardised something else at the same time, to allow others in to support me. I could phone a friend to help me finnish of the decorating after all 2 pairs of hands are better than 1 but I want to do it alone I don’t want to allow someone else to take away my independence and that might be the reason I don’t allow people to get too close to me. I guess I better get back to the painting after all it’s not going to do it’s self. 


Voice inside my head

I keep applying for all these jobs and I haven't got accepted for any of them because you need experience and not just few months a year. Please enlighten me where on earth am I meant to get or gain experience when you won't even give me a chance to work. I'm satrting to feel like I'm going to have a break down. There is way to much going on in my life at the moment to the point I have stopped eating and just sleep for days on end... I keep trying to pull myself together and get my self out there but I contiiously keep getting hit down. I keep question what is the actual point anymore in trying to look for work when it feels like. I'm just getting knocked down because of my hearing loss, It almost like people hear me mention in an email or text and there this instant avoidance! I guess I'll just get a job as a shelf stacker no communication needed and probably the only thing I'll ever be good at. 

Sorry, I've just got so much going on at the minute. 

To much going on

I’ve revolved half my life around my hearing loss, probably one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made not to mention suppressing feelings and emotions when it all first occurred. It not something you want to face at the time, though it not something you want to face three years later on either. Allot of things have changed since the last time I blogged. I don’t think I’ll no longer be getting a hearing dog, after waiting three years! All because of my parents buying a German Shepard puppy. I’ve been made aware that the only way my application can continue is if I move out from my parents this is a huge step! I have no security and I can barely look after myself as it is. I can’t imagine what It would be like to be alone fending for myself in a little box flat, is it really what I want? Then again I don’t have a clue what I want these days. I feel so lost still. I have done for the last three years and having anxiety and depression really doesn’t help the matter. I kinda have forgotten who I am. The things I use to find joy in doing the things I loved learning about. I’ve kinda forgot my qualities and skills too. I guess you could say having any kind of loss wether it’s a loved one a sense or friend can makes you feel like this. Loss is loss and our whole life is altered because of it. One thing I can’t deal with very well is change and this is one pretty big change and all I can think about it time that is being wasted overthinking, sleeping and avoiding. 



Answers I seek

I recall loosing my hearing like it happend just the other day. It is something I haven't forgotten and tends to loiter in my thoughts. I guess this is becuase you it has left some form of emotional trauma, supressing such feelings when it all occured seems have done more worse then good. It was something I didn't want to face at the time, it has now caught up with me and left me feeling blank. With such a load of supressed feelings including things like upset, anger, and confusion I can kinda see why I feel blank. I need to seprate these feelings to be able to deal with them one at a time. 

I don't know what it is about the whole thing I can't accept the fact it happend to me, the fact things have changed. I just don't know the answers I seek.