A long time coming

For a very long time I have been searching for answers, as I thought this was the way to accept and feel content about myself and my existence. I was wrong. Somethings through out our time in this alignment of existence our you need to leave things un-answered to move on, to Learning to deal with unanswerable questions is a tough area, though if you don’t accept the un-answerable, your continue to never contemplate fate. I still don’t understand fate myself but after today something changed. Quite allot of words linked together, fate being one of them, hope being another. Such peculiar pieces of vocabulary. Hope, it’s almost like this is what drives us to continue, no matter the circumstances. Hope is not word it is something inside all of us. It’s something you can’t see but through out our existence hope is what keeps you going, it’s incredible because once you realise it, it’s what got you  through that tough time. Maybe your still trying to get through a tough time but guess what your still existing, continuing to move forward all because of the hope inside of you that one day things will get better, will change and improve and someday it will all balance out and you’ll think what was it all for? It made you the person you are today it lead you to this very moment. No matter if it’s good or bad. You are still here breathing, when you could of given up but you didn’t. I don’t think all us know how to access that hope inside but a good start is to let go of what you can’t control and the rest will follow, accept that you make up most of your happiness, you our the centre of your existence, It starts with you! Don’t get me wrong other people can add to your happiness but they can just as easily take it away leaving you with nothing to fall back on. Now accept that timing is key, time is a good healer even-though time doesn’t exist or is it that time itself you can’t see. 

You are probably thinking what got me into this subject. What made me think so deeply about a subject that is something, I myself can’t understand nor believe in. I don’t believe in anything, I don’t have the mind of someone who believes in a higher power or another life but now I’m contemplating a realisation that you don’t have to believe in something to accept things as they are. Who knows what happens after all of this... all this pain and suffering yet equally extraordinary and content moments and experiences, including the one happening in this very moment right now as you read this. That’s the beauty of it we don’t know, it’s unanswerable just like allot of things in this world. We don’t need the answer. Just to accept that we don’t know. To be honest why would you want to know, your adventure would be pointless if you did. Who knows where we’re going so many paths and choices but everyone you choose makes you the person you are today! 

I never thought I would start to feel this sense of happiness and not because of other people but because of me. I found the ability to accept everything about me. I never use to be able to accept compliments or see the person people could see in me when they looked me in the eye, as I could only see something completely different. I refused to see what others could see because I couldn’t allow myself to accept me, accept my diagnoses and accept the unknown to accept and I can’t control most things the only thing I can do is accept that somethings we feel that will set us free won’t and it’s hard to admit that. I thought because all my diagnoses where some kind of punishment because I was a bad person. I remember in school I let people beat me up because I felt like I deserved it, but guess what I didn’t! The fact I didn’t retaliate shows a true reflection of who I am.  

I was diagnosed with high functioning autism in 2005 and through out my existence I have always been different. In 2011 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In 2013 I came out of the closet and admitted to myself that I was gay. In 2014 I was diagnosed with O.C.D and in 2015 I went profoundly deaf as a result of meningitis, resulting in me almost loosing my life. I can either see these things as a negatives or I can choose to see them as positives. At the start of it all I only could see the negative side, back when I was younger I refused accept my diagnoses and who I was. Why? because I felt that to be accepted you have to be normal... A word no one can explain, it’s a stereo type. Allot of things in our society our now based on stereo types negative and incorrect conclusions of a word and quite sincerely bias. What I’m trying to get across is everyone has a story to tell, the story of their life but just as severe as my story sounds I’ve learnt to accepted that all the above is what makes me Ryan Trimmings. No one is the same as me, I’m unique. Yes there maybe a look alike but there thoughts, feeling and emotions along with their story is most probably completely different. You are the only person that can change and improve where you are stood today and no ones story should be assumed worser then another, for reasons of somethings you can’t see. For example you can’t see how someone has been affected by something so small, no matter how small something is the impact is unseeable to the person on the inside. 

Thank you for reading this post and I hope you can see just how much a negative can become such a huge positive. 

Deafinitely Ryan!